


Breathe, Smile, and Lie

by aspiringdreamer



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 20:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aspiringdreamer/pseuds/aspiringdreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how many times you stick that finger down your throat, you will never be the object of his affection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe, Smile, and Lie

It’s the unsettling feeling you get when you realized maybe, just maybe you ate too much. You stare at your barely untouched food and confirm in your head that yes, yes you did eat too much.  You contemplate excusing yourself in order to empty the contents of your stomach into the white porcelain toilet bowl. Contemplate the feeling of relief that will quickly overcome you, and then leave you in an instant when you realize that no, no you are not perfect. No matter how many times you stick that finger down your throat, you will never be the object of his affection. You will never be that beautifully sculpted embodiment that will have him falling to his knees in awe of you. You will never be _him_.

You decide to wait it out a little bit. You ignore the almost palpable discomfort boiling inside you. Just fifteen more minutes. Fifteen fucking minutes dammit. You can last that long, you know you can. Zayn glances at you every now and then, and you become even more aware. He knows, he knows, he knows is all that’s replaying in your mind.

“Are you going to finish that?” he asks you.

“Why?” you reply almost defensively. He looks slightly taken back by your tone.

“I just wanted some of your chicken. Sorry” You feel the relief almost immediately, but the guilt of your tone overshadows that.

“No, I’m sorry. Here” you thrust your plate towards him, and he accepts it excitedly. He tosses a small smile in your direction as a thank you, and you give him a slight nod. You sit back in your place on the sofa, and glance around the room at the others. Liam and Danielle are huddled together, laughing at something. You can’t make out their words but you know it’s nothing relevant. They are always laughing at nothing when they're together.

Harry’s seated at the sofa opposite you. He catches your eye, and sends you a friendly smile. Your heart rate begins to pick up, and you feel your palms start to sweat. Fuck, why does it only take one of his smiles to set your body ablaze? To make you feel so alive, yet so unfulfilled? But _he_ walks back into the room, and instantaneously Harry’s gaze turns to him. He produces one of those rare smiles. You know the one? The smile that radiates a room and you feel disoriented and slightly mindfucked because you didn’t know a smile could do that. But that’s a Harry Styles smile for ya.

Harry pulls him onto his lap, and he giggles, blushing slightly.

“Stop” he whispers to Harry. Harry ignores him, planting his lips onto his neck and leaving a trail of butterfly kisses. You want to turn your head, to give them a moment of privacy for their intimate moment, but you can’t look away. You know the more they do this, the stronger the urge will get. And you relish in that thought. Despite how fucked up and twisted it sounds, you want to see them be in love. You want to be in pain, that way when you are in the safe confines of the bathroom, it makes everything seem okay. Because you’re in love with Harry; you are allowed to hurt dammit.

Once their lips meet in a passionate kiss, you know you’ve seen enough. The gnawing feeling of purging your guts out in the bathroom becomes almost unbearable. You excuse yourself quietly, quickly walking to the upstairs bathroom of Zayn’s flat, and locking it. You open the toilet seat, and hunch over, spilling your soul into that porcelain bowl. It stares back at you, almost laughingly, and you feel the salty tear drops mix in with everything else that’s coming out of you.

Once there’s nothing else left inside you to bear, you slide down to the floor, bringing your knees up and resting your face on them. You sob quietly, unashamed. The relief has been diminished at this point, replaced with realization. Realization that no matter how many times you do this, you’ll never be as good as you ought to be. The pang in your chest confirms this thought, as you silently curse yourself for not having a razor around to dull the pain even more.

A knock on the door startles you out of your thoughts, and you look at the door almost menacingly.

“Niall, are you okay in there?” You hear Louis’ voice from the other side of the door, and you can’t help the frown that settles on your face. You hate him, you bloody hate him. It’s his fault that you’re hurting.

“I’m fine Lou. Go back to Harry; I’ll be down in a minute.” You say to him.

“Oh. Okay” you can almost feel him hesitate for a moment, and then he finally leaves; leaving you to wallow in the pain that has seemed to settle inside of you for the past six months. You take in a deep breath, willing yourself to get up off the floor. You stumble slightly to the sink, and begin to rinse your face.  Once done, you find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes are somewhat puffy, and your cheeks seem a bit hollowed out with your lips forming a thin line.

You open the door, and proceed down the stairs to join the others. You find Harry’s face almost immediately, and he’s smiling at you welcomingly.

“Nialler! What took you so long in the bathroom? You weren’t taking a shit were you? You barely ate!” You look at him and wonder how God could create someone so beautiful. Someone so perfect and so loving. Everything that you couldn’t be.  Everything that Louis was for him. He looks at you expectantly, waiting for an answer. You repeat three words in your head, as you turn to look him in the eyes. Just breathe, smile, and lie.

_Fin_

 

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first post on ao3, yay me! I had this posted up on tumblr months back, so let me know if you like it. Feedback is very much appreciated :) x


End file.
